In this column, I’d like to address one of the great controversies of our time. This controversy has nothing to do with Donald Trump, but I could be wrong, as he’s demonstrated an uncanny ability to insert himself into virtually every controversy there is. However, given reports of his love of junk food, he may not have an opinion on this one, unless of course Stephen Miller can make a case to him that eating a healthy breakfast is a socialist conspiracy to overthrow our American way of life by eliminating only in America Fruit Loops from our breakfast diet.
The controversy I’m referring to is the cooking of oatmeal, a topic suited for January, which I discovered is National Oatmeal Month. I’m going to take a wild guess that the cooking of oatmeal probably doesn’t show up on your top ten list of controversies, but it is within my incredibly shrinking universe and, since I’m writing this column, I get to choose.
Before I delve into this highly controversial subject, let’s talk a bit about the history of the cereal grain itself. According to my most reliable Google searches, wild oat grains had been found by archaeologists on an ancient stone grinding tool in southern Italy dated 32,000 years ago, during the Paleolithic period. Acceptance of that fact, during these times of alternative facts, would spark its own controversy regarding what is allowed while following a paleo diet; a diet in which adherents eat what was presumed to have been eaten by our Stone-Age cousins and therefore a more natural diet for our bodies. The controversy these findings would spark is that grains are excluded from paleo diets. I won’t even dip my toe into that controversy, as it may very well be bitten off by one of the more rabid paleo diet card-carrying members. I’ll just leave it that I like my oatmeal, and my toes, and call for acceptance and unity during these divisive times.
Call it what you may — porridge, mush, pottage, oatmeal, or gruel — it’s long been a healthy staple of human consumption, well before the invention of Pop-Tarts, Fruit Loops, or any of those faux empty calorie breakfast foods contributing to the significant increase of type 2 diabetes in our population. Without getting into the science behind it, oatmeal is the anti-Fruit Loops, as it’s been widely accepted by nutritionists to help reduce blood sugar, among its many health benefits.
So, what’s the controversy, you ask? The controversy is how you cook or don’t cook your morning bowl of oatmeal. Once again, turning to Google for oatmeal recipes, the three top sites offer 50, 20+, and 8 recipes for oatmeal. There are slow cooker, instant pot, stove top, baked, and overnight recipes, but virtually all of them call for some sort of milk, and whether it be nut, soy, oat, or cow’s milk, you’ve already lost me. Those milks contribute to the creamy texture of most oatmeal recipes, which so many people adore. For me, I find it a slimy hot mess. In addition, so many of the recipes call for combinations of brown sugar, maple syrup, cinnamon and even, God forbid, pumpkin spice. Just the thought of sweetened pumpkin spice in my oatmeal turns my stomach.
The controversy in our household is that Lois prefers her oatmeal creamy with milk and a drizzle of maple syrup, which she still derisively calls gruel and “not her favorite” breakfast choice, however much she recognizes its health benefits. I prefer mine cooked as a firm grain with a rice-like texture, in water, with just butter and salt. Since I’m the meal maker and love my oatmeal for breakfast, I had to find an accommodation to maintain the vitally important harmony within our household. The end result was to cook the oatmeal as I prefer, then add hot milk and maple syrup to her portion in an insulated bowl which she takes to work to eat at her desk. Some cut-up fruit and a hard-boiled egg round out our socialist anti-Fruit-Loops breakfast.
Morning gruel
The morning begins by feeding breakfast to Rudy the Cat, who demonstrates his displeasure at being put on a cruelly enforced starvation diet for the approximately eight hours since finishing the last of his dry food by doing his best to trip me as I move around the kitchen. After His Lordship is fed and no longer underfoot, I’ll begin preparing our breakfast, which Rudy regally supervises from a distance while grooming himself after his breakfast. I’ll measure 1¾ cups of water into a saucepan, to which I add about 1½ teaspoons of salt and approximately 2 tablespoons of butter. That amount of butter is referred to by the charming but quizzically termed “knob of butter” in old English and Irish cookbooks, which I suppose is significantly more refined than my New Jersey hunk o’ butter.
Once the water has come back to a boil, I’ll add 1½ cups of Bob’s Red Mill Extra Thick Rolled Oats, essential for the firm texture I’m looking for. When the water comes back to a boil again, I’ll turn off the heat, cover the pan, and allow the oats to finish cooking on the element of our glass-top range.
I remember seeing a YouTube video in which kindergarten kids were asked how to cook a Thanksgiving turkey and one cute little boy’s simple instruction was to cook it until the football game was over. The timing for allowing our oatmeal to finish cooking is just as imprecise. Because oatmeal contributes to a regular and healthy digestive system, a fact to which I can attest, cooking time is largely determined by the length of the article which catches my attention on my phone while I sit on the throne. If pressed, I’m guessing about 10 minutes. At this point, the rolled oats have been transformed into my beloved oatmeal and is divided as-is into my combination oatmeal/soup bowl and Lois’ insulated bowl, to which I add warm milk and maple syrup, transforming her portion into a gruel she can accept.
Now, if we could all accept that, on one end of the spectrum, one person’s comforting creamy bowl of oatmeal is another person’s bowl of slimy hot mess, and find an accommodation for both, we might begin healing our divided nation.
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January 20, 2021 at 02:00AM
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On oatmeal: the way forward - theberkshireedge.com
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